Where i am is not where i thought i would be

I remember when I was around 8 years old in 1982 trying to figure out what I would be like in the year 2000. I don’t remember what I thought at the time only that I was thinking about it. I do remember that I never fully became at 26 what I thought I would be at age 8. That’s almost impossible to figure out because one usually never know where life is going to take you. Not being what I thought I would be at age 8 is a bad thing? For the most part not at all because an 8 year old really doesn’t have life so figured out that for me not to conform to what I thought I would be is okay. The things like wanting to be a good person and do the right thing should always be a goal throughout life but if those goals were to become rich and famous I think most of us realize there is much more to life than that.

Last year I started to look for a house. I had a very fun time with my boss/realtor trying to find a place. So where I imagined my life would be like right now was in a house and not my apartment I lived in for the past decade. But things fell apart when I couldn’t get the tax credit and so thus where I thought I would be is not where I ended up. I have always had a roommate in this apartment but since he thought I was moving he made a promise to his brother that he would move in with him. So now it is just me living here with my cat (since my sister’s baby has ashma she couldn’t have her anymore so I took her in). At first I was kinda depressed at how things turned out since it was far from what I had planned and it still weighs on my mind. At first so much so that I started falling into old habits (nothing I am embarrassed to share about but are irrelevent to this post) and I have had so much on my mind that I would ignore simple things like cleaning up after myself. Sometimes the dishes would sit in the sink an extra day; I would do laundry and just let the pile sit unfolded (which would cause extra work since now I need to iron everything).

The point of this post is I think I can relate to those hoarders I see on TV. You see these people who let life overwhelm them so much that they just stop taking care of themselves and try to surround themselves with things in an attempt to make themselves happy again. Luckily for me that I have been on such an obsessive path to have so few things that I can clean up my apartment to look presentable in a matter of minutes. Some things would take longer but it is pretty easy. My problem is is that now I need to clean out the clutter in my mind. I have so many things trying to fight for attention that I can’t think straight half the time. The nice thing is at work I have an organized to do list and it gives me a break from my life. What I need to do is treat my life like I do my job; I need to take that mental list that has been nagging at me for months and separate it out into catagories to re-organize and get back out of the habits that I thought I left behind months if not YEARS ago.

Here is the list:

I need to find those little things that I have been ignoring and take care of them so I no longer have to think of them. It is so sad how easy those things are and yet I haven’t done them. This week I already started clearing off this list and it feels good.

I need to stop the habits that are effecting my health and quality of life. I know how to live my life in a way that makes me feel good. I need to eat right and budget my money better again. When I do that I feel like I am in so much control.

I need to find those things that are on my mind that I can’t take care of right away and make goals and steps on moving forward.

I need to accept those things in life that I have no control over and stop obsessing over those issues. It is what it is and life is about living despite those set backs we have.

I may not be where I thought I would be. It isn’t that where I thought I would be my life would be better because that could have brought with it a whole new set of “issues”; it’s just different. So now as I sit here on the couch, I realize how good I have it. I am learning once again to be content with where I am but I continue to make the steps necessary to move on for when I am ready to move on. In the end life is a process. We have the successes and we have the set backs and I just need to remember that and not get discouraged. I also need to let go of some of my old goals that aren’t relevant to where I now want to be and realize that the me now doesn’t have the same needs and desires as my 8 year old self.

So in the end where I am may not be where I thought I would be but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. As I have had to remind myself from time to time that life isn’t about things; it is about learning how to be content with where I am at now.

Updated on: August 18th, 2010

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