The path is from my private journal November 2020

My religious experience started out knowing that those who died (some of which before I was born) are in a place called heaven.  That was the place where we go when we die.

My grandma used to tell me stories about a day when Jesus would come back and take us up into the clouds.  I saw pictures of this and it was all confusing but I accepted these stories because I grew to trust her.  At lease I know that she truly believe this.

I didn’t go to church much growing up.  The church I knew was the boys youth group my dad helped lead called brigades.  Similar to Boy Scouts but not as involved.  When the church didn’t like my dad leading the group without going to church on Sunday, they eventually parted ways with him and we really didn’t do a who lot of church after that.  It was hard for my dad with his job to do Sunday church.

When I was 16 my grandma moved to Clovis where we moved about 8 years earlier.  She encouraged us to go to church so we found a church new our house.  My parents were now able to go to church on Sundays regularly so we attended that church almost every Sunday.  I really didn’t get involved with the church until I was 18.  I started attending the youth group at the end of my senior year of high school and I liked it enough to stick around to help the Junior High and then High School.  I did that for 25 years… until I got burned out by it and had enough.

The issues as to why I left had been festering since I was 18.  I enjoyed being a part of something but I never truly felt a part of the culture.  I thought I believed the way they did but there were many things that didn’t sit well with me.  I am grateful that I didn’t grow up in the church because some of the doctrinal things that people who grew up with the culture and could blindly accept… it just never cemented with me.  

One thing that I enjoyed during my time at the church was being there for the kids who didn’t fit in and I allowed them to be okay with not buying everything.  I believed in a lot of the same big issues but there were some things that I could never accept and I allowed others the language of not accepting those things either.

My biggest issues is the idea that people are born cursed and that an angry God needed to kill his son to be appeased.  Why would the God who created us need to develop such a FUCKED UP system?!  It really is FUCKED UP doctrine and it never sat well with me.  The best I had seen counter to this is that Jesus did to end Evil’s power over this world.  And based on how he changed things I can see that more than the curse.

ReGen is the FUCKED UP program where people need to confess past sins publicly but even then it is based on people feeling broken when they aren’t broken.  

And of course I hate Calvinism.  The idea that the non-chosen people will go to a place of torment for eternity is strange.  Even the concept of Hell is more about controlling people.

So I don’t know where I belong when it comes to church.  Do I need to just fade away?  Do I need to be a part of a church?  What is it about church that I feel I have to be a part of?  What is it about the community that I need?  Can I find a community where I belong.

I don’t like to pray.  I don’t like to talk sub culture talk with Christians.  I don’t like their support of people like Donald Trump.  I don’t like their obsession with people who don’t think like they do… they seem more interested in protecting their way of life than they are about following Jesus.  Yes these are common complaints and yes there are people doing good in the name of God but what good are they doing?  Are they really making a difference or are they more concerned that people say a prayer?

Why do I not understand this stuff and I have been around for years and I have taught this stuff?  

What does God think of gay marriage?  What does God think of abortion?  What does God think of Donald Trump?  

Are people going to Hell if they aren’t a part of this sub culture?  Do Christians own God? Jesus?

Is the bible perfect?

I really don’t know and I think I am okay with that.

The more I let go the more I feel like I care about people.

Do I want the answers?  Do I need the answers?  Where should I go from here?  Where should I go?