This is a very long post. I didn’t feel like posting it as a blog. It was something I found in an old journal entry to myself that I do not remember writing but I’m glad I found it. I don’t know what inspired it. If you get something out of it let me know. I am posting this raw with all of its grammar, typos, and logic issues. Here you go!!
Can you accept who you are in the light and in the shadow?
All my life I tried to force myself to be in the light. I tried to prove that I was a good person that people can love and look to… but I am also that same person who feels sorry for himself and reminds himself that he isn’t where he should be but if you ask him where he should be he doesn’t know where he is supposed to be.
He claims to live in the future but he is really just trying to make it through the day and cope with what he is having to deal with. He uses his crutches as trophies. “If I didn’t have this thing holding me back I could be so much more”. But really he can be so much more if he tried… and by trying it is simply letting go. Letting go of the pain and disappointment. We all have discouragement, we all have our illness.
The illness and the darkness is a part of me and I love that part of me just as much as I love the part of me that everyone sees. In fact I probably love it more. I want to protect it and keep it locked away as my other self lives life and feels the anxiety that someone would come in and discover you and make fun of you because they don’t understand you.
But is that fair to assume that they wouldn’t like you? You have people who care about you and they have peaked in to see a bit of who you are and they seem to like what they see.
So what can I do to set you free? There is nothing you need to do. Just unlock the cage and be okay with who you are today and now. There is nothing in the future that will make you any more content than with who you are today.
That doesn’t mean you can’t change. I have a big assignment for you. I am going to give you rules but these aren’t rules to hold you down, these are rules to set you free. You are a prisoner of your own habits… they are habits that you don’t love and they only manifest when you keep part of you away from the world. I give you permission to accept all sides of yourself as who you are today at this present moment.
This is what it means to die to self. You can let go of the anxiety and the failed expectations. The frustrations that you feel that you pin on other people. They don’t deserve that. Don’t put someone on a pedestal and don’t use someone as a footstool.
Right now I was thinking of trying to find the key to unlock the cage but it is already open. There is nothing you need to look for. You are free. Now go and live in the now. Enjoy your life, your job, and the people you are blessed with around you.